Most Funny Facebook Status

I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.

There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

Mosquitos are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.

I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

There is no “we” in “food”.

“you look tired” is the politically correct way of saying “you look like shit”

1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

I look at people sometimes and think ….. Really?? That’s the sperm that won.

I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something.

God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.

Sometimes you just need some space…………To fart.

I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer.

Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!